Summer Breeze

Having stuff made up about you, specifically when its made up to hurt someone you care for would usually be hurtful. But when it is something as petty and as non specific as this time then it is just laughable.  I dont know if you can read my blog, I honestly dont care but grow up. Thanks.

It is my mother's birthday on tuesday (woo) and although we are going out for what will be a delightful lunch then today we had a family bbq with my nan, aunt and uncle and cousins. Thankfully the weather was on our side, even if it was slightly blowy, and we were able to sit in the garden and enjoy a very delicious overload of meat and salad. I doubt I could ever be a vegetarian due to my love for such occasions. But the biggest surprise of the afternoon came in the form of my Aunty Lelly producing a large bottle of WKD from her bag and announcing we must all try this new 'alcofrol' she had discovered. Now as a British teenager I had of course encounter WKD before many many times. Its the pre-18 drink for almost every youth member of the country but as Charlotte is at the tender age of 14 and Isabelle at 10 my Aunty Lelly had not yet been accustomed to buying this.
So ensued my step back from this event to only observe as many a drunken night at peoples houses had been conducted on this "Anti-Freeze" (as my dad called it) and I wished to watch my crazy relatives consume it.  But I could not even have predicted the fact that my nan, of all people, would find it 'most delightful' and consume about 3 glasses full.

This then progressed to her having to sit down and then was unable to say W-K-D any more and resorted to calling it JHG or GHD or even the KKK. My nan then made me have fits of laughter whilst we posed for a lovely grandmother and grandaughter photo she swallowed a fly, and whilst she chocked "stop taking photos!" and i almost wet myself laughing, my mum continued to document the event with her camera.. hense this photo of the moment.

Now as I sit drinking my tea and eating Mum and Isabelle's joint birthday cake (Izi is 10 tomorrow) I leave my crazy family downstairs to wind down from our eventful afternoon. But heres a nice photo of me, my brother and my cousins.

The scariest thing is that i actually have seriously high wedges on and would actually normally be just up to my brothers shoulder (who is 4 years younger than me!)

I had a flashback to a drunken moment at the pub on friday.. something to do with a lightsaber but i cant possibly say anymore. But as I remembered this drunken moment I burst out laughing infront of all my family who gave me a very odd look. I thought I would pass on the favour to miss Sophie Clarke whom I text whilst she was at work. Unfortunately for Sophie she also burst out laughing and received many funny looks. haha.
I'm starting to love this summer.
Love to all x
P.S. You make me smile everyday. x

You Make My Dreams

College has finished! It was so emotional and the last day was actually rather marvellous. My drama lesson was probably the best so far since september, mainly because we knew it was he last, and because matt didnt actually shout at us and gave us Heroes :) I suppose now in many years to come I will only remember my last lesson and think of how we laughed at our class joke of Vasques and how he'll follow us everywhere, and what a lovely time we had. Oh and how James broke the shelf haha. But all in all maybe it is best to remember the good things, I mean god knows you'll probably encounter more shit stuff in your life so we should remember the laughter.  ( photo above is missing 4 people.. god our class was small)

Lunch was strangely quiet with no first years in college, we even got to sit on the sofas!!! but we did end up reminising about our time at college, then laughing uncontrollably as Chris decided to have his face painted like a tiger for his last 2 lesson of college haha god knows what people thought of him

History was marvellous as we did our class awards and got to finally see what our fellow classmates actual thought of us. My mention came on the 'In 10 years time...' page. 

 

 Geoff Layton is a historian, in honour of whom me amy and emily started the Geoff Layton club so it is fitting that I will be stalking him. Working for the Daily Mail... wouldnt mind BUT the BBC would be better :P. But the denim one!! I honestly dont wear it that much... do I.

Worrying.

As I walked out of college I took one final look back, felt a sadness wash over me then I realised... Oh shit. I have exams in 2 weeks. Sadness was replaced with dread and a slight panic haha.

Along came the evening, in the form of the PUB! After getting a lift to the Quays by my dad, he ended up turning around and giving us all a lift to the Swan. Good old Ash Vale. Although I possibly narrowly escaped the death stares and threats of an old enemy the night was GOOOD!

I honestly have not laughed that much in so so so so so so sooooo long. I even managed to make some people laugh (Dawn) which is what 2 pints of Pear Cider often does to me.  My ridiculous baby laugh always surfaces afte rthe consumption of alchol and it was no longer just laughed at by Dawn, Cherise, Sophie and Amelia (who discovered it) but everyone else haha.

All in all a good day :) I love my friends. ( Jack defo look like such a ladies man in this photo. More people did turn up later but cherise hasnt put her photos up yet!!!!)

xx

P.S. If you dont do anything else after reading this listen to You make my Dreams by Hall & Oates. I guarantee you will smile. Go on have a little dance as well.

Driveways.

The bitterness will fade but the love and friendship will always remain, even if hidden from sight.

Goodbye Waves.

For two years I have attended the Sixth Form College Farnborough, it has become a home from home at times, an escape from things which are causing tension and mostly just a really fun place to be. I have made probably more genuinely good friends in the space fo 2 years than I did in the 5 years at school. I have always been the girl who bounces between friendship groups, from the start of school I had my 'school mates' then my 'drama mates' from Farnham and they always clashed. I would like to safely say that I have found a group which I full fit into and I love them all dearly. They love me for who I am, dont pressure me into being something I'm not which happened throughout school and with these girlies I have grown up. God knows what would have happened to my life if one brazen, portugese looking boy had walked up to me in my drama lesson as I stood by myself, held out his hand and said 'Hi I'm Joe Miller, and this is Dawn'.

Dawn and Joe were my first best friends at college, i still love them dearly, me and Dawn have stood by each other through tough times in both our lives and I know we will be there for each other in the future. Joe has never failed to make me laugh or give me an opportunity to laugh at him. Although I know you are as camp as christmas and the most musical theatre person I have ever met (maybe apart from miss Sara Lacey). You also basically got me through my media AS haha. So I would firstly like to say I LOVE YOU DAWN AND JOE!!!! If it wasnt for you guys I probably wouldnt have got through Drama, Media and Musical Theatre last year. (cue: above photo of AS drama last year!)
If it was not for you beautiful people I would never have met all my other wonderful friends I have managed to get myself at college. Lol. Sophie you are brilliannt babes and i love how we just get on and can bitch about anyone haha or love the same people, you are honestly another person who I count as a best friend. China!!!!! and Meliaa!!! are regular shouts that occur when I see you girlies in cafe d or wherever and you are both sooo funny and brilliant I'm just so happy you guys are such goood friends of mine :) I'm no longer gonna name drop cos I will eventually forget people but everyone who i ritualistically have lunch with in cafe d I love you, you have probably made me laugh more than anyone. (Even if you do accuse me of my laugh sounding like a baby from the SMA advert!!)

As I mentioned before I had my 'drama friends' when at school, well from tthese friends was an extension of peoples who live within the Farnham area and praise the lord I ended up in a seat next to Miss Laura Harvey in AS Media and again in A2 English this year. You my dear have been fab, such an amazing listener and just putting up with me for 2 years you should recieve a bloody medal. And through your lovely self and also a year of AS english with Ellen I have become better friend with you guys than before.

Media this year has been amazing also and probably all thanks to the annoyingness of mr Alex Mitchell, you absolutely get on my tits boy but I cant hel but love you... and slightly bully at the same time.(loving the fact i'm trying to strangle you in this photo) Kat and James have been absolute diamonds!!!! (left of the pic doing the funny faces!) and I still stand by my theory that you two will end up together, eventually... then we can make our video game and have a pub/bar called the Kat and Salmon... get it? :P hahaha I have loved Matilda all year too, constantly cracking the best and most subtle jokes ever!! especially in relation to dans shoes and the clothing of certain people in our class haha. love it, gonna miss you guys!!!

I'm definatly going to forget people.

Lottie Morley you absolutley mental girl you have helped me get through drama this year even when it has been utterly shite. Ash Stewart you absolute gem of a girl, someelse who has put up with me through English and let me copy them... occasionally.
History from this year is going to be one of the things I miss most of all.
The Girls = Me, Amy, Emily C, Emily D, Holly, Ellie and honerary girl Adam - you guys have made history hilarious at times and totally totally hilarious, This inculdes our love for Chris and starting the Geoff Layton Fan Club. Another person I count as my best friend would have to be mr Charlie Oakley, probably spoken to you everyday since september and surprisingly still stayed friends with you even if you turned up to my birthday in a very very tight morph suit haha. I have stood by you through your troubles as you have through mine and for that I am eternally grateful!!

I will probably continue these thanks in a later blog once i've thought "SHIT I forgot..." and if thats you, it doesnt mean i love you less its just that i am a total retard and remembering things :P

So this week has been tough if i must say but also rather good. Saturday was one of the best nights I have had in a very long time, out for Ellen babes's birthday in guildford and partying at her house then Dusk didnt fail to disappoint. I got SOOOO DRUNK (as you can probably tell by the picture of me which I dont even remeber being taken) I do not regret my actions that night but I do regret how they hurt the one person I least wanted to find out about it. Sam i'm sorry and I know you're not talking to me at the moment but I just want to let you know that I am truely sorry.
Monday and Tuesday were HOT, I even ventured to college with no tights on!!! Sunbathing on the field seemed to be the perfect end to the perfect 2 years, made magical by the balloons that facinated me and Cherise. I even burnt my shoulders and achieved a suntan!!! crazy times.
Today I had my AS English Language retake and it went soo well!!!!! but I have been stressing about it all week therefore banned myself from facebook and blogging and my computor in general which was surprisingly easy, the 50 notifications onfacebook when i popped it up today were quite satisfying and the message I had been dreading was barable.
Finding someone special in your life who has been right infront of your nose for a while is a shock but a lovely one. You have successfully made me smile so many times when I would rather have cried and just given up. The cheeky grin is what makes you and probably what makes me like you so much. Although being told by a few people that i am an 'idiot' or that i'm 'fucking stupid' i dont care because I know you. and you know me and how we feel. I promise you summer will be magical, I promise to always care about you, I promise to always stand by you like I always have done. But you know this already so I spose I'm just validating it on here for both our sakes. Love you.

I am in such a goood mood :) the picture above pretty much sums up how I plan to spend my summer, not just with those lovely ladies and possibly living at sophie's house just so I can see her dog everyday (happiest dog inthe world!) but just lazy, casual, fun and memorable.
This may be dampened by the fact I now have to write 1000 words worth of history notes for drama tomorrow but I will be happen when I return to the joys of facebook.
Last day of college tomorrow. Its been emotional. Its been hilarious. Its been memorable.
Love xxx

Smile

I drove the long way home today, through mychett and ash vale. I dont know why. It would have been easier and quicker to go on the BVR but somehow with the sun being out, it being hot and me being in a exceptionally good mood i thought i may aswell.
The fact that I noticed how pretty that route is really shows how much of a good mood I was in. Like when you think mychett and ash vale you dont instantly think of an outstanding natural beauty spot but it was pretty relaxing.
Today was good, my english lesson was cancelled so got to spend my free with Cherise, Sophie, Chris and Nancy which was fun. We had serious talks, fizzy fish, starbucks and a bit of kareoke in the car on the way back haha. So that brightened my mood alot.
Happy Birthday Charlie too!

Thank you to all my friends for making me smile. xx

Keep on Running

 I have successfully been on the first run of my Tash Getting Fit scheme I am now going to undertake for as long as I can be bothered. My running mad father took me out for a little job around the block which I'm sure would be easy for most people but as I shun any form of excersise and am so unfit its laughable. I ran probably 250 yards before I had to slow it down to a brisk walk which dad wasnt too impressed with but he thankfully put up with it. We were out for around 15 minutes and it was alright. Just need to keep going.
The main down side was that my head did officially looked like a GIANT TOMATO so theres no way i'm gonna be running with anyone else apart from my dad atm. And my legs hurt but i spose as Charlie put it "No pain, no gain" :)

I will keep this up. I will.
I have the will power to do so... it think :).
There was even talk of proper running shoes being bought for me.


 Oh and also today was lovely. Who knew More magazine could be so interesting.
My drive home was good too got to catch up with George and Jack who I had not seen in ages, well to be far Jack couldnt really get a word in edge ways once me and George were off. Sorry babe! haha

Love x

What a difference a day makes.

Being ignored by someone you have known for years who has suddenly decided to dislike you hurts. I have done nothing wrong, I try and make the effort to actually communicate but recieve nothing back which feels just shit. I know who is behind it. I know that they have turned this friend against me for 'something' i did to them. The fact that this 'friend' has decided to listen to this girl is insulting considering her history. So last night I tried to speak to you, repeated your name a few times over the music, which wasn't actually thayt loud, and you definatly heard me. So now I am not gonna bother. Ok thanks.

Uncertainty is the worst feeling ever. Not knowing what to believe. Especially when I promised to never doubt this person but things keep popping up. Being told that so and so said this and being told it cos you know your friend just wants to help you out makes it harder. Preconceptions will always linger. I'm sorry I am doubting you, just know you'll always be an amazing friend to me, I can pretty much tell you anything. Every story has two sides though and I know this, just happens that this story is pretty complex. The trust was only really formed at the end of this week so I suppose only time will tell. Time seems be a telling point for everything in my life at the moment.We shall see. Just don't let me down or prove the other side of the story to be right.

Made up with mother. I have never felt so awful in my life, the sick feeling of her thinking she has let me down when I realise I've let her down equally. I love you.
And also I know that you're sorry it was over and about you and I do appreciate you taking a step back. But shouldnt have taken the step forward in the first place. Mum told me about the email you sent but in very little detail and says she'll probably show it to me one day. Not really impressed that you pointed out the blog to mum but I spose it just brought everything out into the open. I purposely haven't told my mum everything, like I normally would and always have done because I am still protecting the way she and dad feel about you. But if stuff like this is gonna happen next time I wont hesitate. I'm sorry also for everything, I know we both want to be friends and as we discovered the other day that the slightest discrepancy leads to one of us jumping to conclusions but I honestly only pointed out Freshers for your sake, that I would end up dancing with all my different friends and you wouldnt have yours there, and we're not a couple anymore. I love you and probably always will we just need to wait to get back to a 'normal' state, its literally been a week so please don't have a go when I dont want to see you or when I do i'm not talkative or something. Time is gonna be the thing which tells. I'm honestly so proud of you, with your interview and everything just keep going :) Writing all this on here is probably easier than saying it to your face cos as you know I'd probably just start crying so I am pretty much a coward I spose. But I will always care about you we just need space for a while and arguments will occur along the way but hopefully we'll come out ok at the other end.

If you read this. Dont text me. I'm having a day of no contact with anyone i've decided.

So I need to crack on with some AS English revision after realising I honestly have forgetten all of it and my exam is on the 27th!!! Then this arvy me and mum are going for some retail therapy so I can look for my Leaver's Ball dress :D EXCITING!!

Also I am not perfect. Never have been never will be and in all honesty nothing can be described as having perfection because that perfection is personal and does not apply to others. Just puts pressure on.

Wow that was a release.
Love xxx

Pleasantly Surprised

I had an argument with mother at dinner. We never argue, not seriously. But things had been growing and she needed to be told, I just sort of exploded and it came out meaner than intended. And I am sorry. This week has been a pretty tough week and probably becuase of the fact that I havent locked myself away in my room and acted like somebodies died I have come across as even more of a bad person. What it was down to was the fact that she has been getting involved where she knows she shouldnt. Making stuff about her even though its all been down to me and my decisions. Decisions she has told me were wrong and that I was wrong to do them when she doesnt know anything about it. And I could never tell her everything because I couldnt have her disliking the said person. And whenever she brings up the subject she is never on my side and just begins to blubber. Therefore that is why i exploded at dinner. Dad agrees with me. Telling someone they are welcome to come round 'any time' is not down to YOU! Being more involved in the situation than i even am is nto going to help its just going to make me divide from you and feel I can't trust you anymore. And I want to trust you. Just please stop trying to make me feel worse than I already do. I didnt think I could feel worse, but somehow because I am managing to make YOU upset aswell I do feel worse.
Just from writing this I am upset. And you're not even in to be satisfied that I'm crying. I shouldnt be having a go at you like this because you're my mum. And I love you. Just stop.


So that rant has no reference to the upbeat title but it was how I felt earlier when I put aside this blog to write. I dont even want to explain that now. But I'd just like to say that Sophie Clarke and Dawn Cottrell never fail to give the best and most supportive reactions. Haha love you girls. But you had me pleasantly surprised.

Final of Ashes to Ashes TONIGHT!!! I am literally so excited. And may just have to download the whole soundtrack and revert back to the 80's.

Love. x

Oh Hi There Mr. Migraine

So I have had my first proper migraine today, mother gets them and my grandad had them as well so I spose that i have got the gene, and I must say it was not enjoyable. Triggered by a Morrison's chicken wrap which as infact TWO DAYS! out of date, I spent the whole of the fternoon throwing up, almost passing out and wondering why everything was spinning. not pleasant. I then managed to drive home. somehow....
Not pleasant. I have to apologise to anyone who saw me between 2 and 3 because I think I was slightly delirious. I was sitting outside the JG building and literally everyone walking past and around me was just a blur of colours. This is definatly worrying but aparently nomal for a migraine. Fun times.
Atm the treatment for them have been
-2 paracetamol
-water
-no sunlight
-my grandads jumper (worn whenever feeling ill or down and manages to make me feel better, I think it the smell cos even though I have washed it obviously i can still smell him on it and he always had a knack for chilling me out xx)
-a nap


So basically confusion is quite present in my life at the moment and of course it will pass with time. But still isnt helping certain situations. Hmm theres no point being all mysterious. When its right to talk about it I will.
Also narrowly avoided being killed tuesday night. Long story short, invited to go out with some people I dont actually know but know of.. and they know of me.. I said no due to the fact that they'd either kill me or me and the person who invited me or just try and turn me against one of my best friends. Not gonna happen. Sorry Ladies.

Love x

P.S. Btw to whom it may concern, i am totally serious, whatever that means.

Rock n Roll

So at the moment it doesnt take much for me to cry, a single photo or ticket has left me bawling the last couple of days... but thats not what i'm going to talk about. But as I was saying it doesnt take much for me to cry at the moment but it usually takes a lot for me to cry at a film, last one was Up and that was HIGHLY emotional, before that i cant really think but they have to be pretty emotional. Today I watched Nowhere Boy, story about John Lennon's teen years, and it successfully managed to bring me to tears. You see poor old John going through many hard ships but when things seem to be working out there is the most shocking turn. I wont give it away because you definatly have to watch it but i sat for about 5 minutes with tears streaming down my face with my hand firmly placed over my gob-smacked mouth..

But one consolation is Aaron Johnson. Yum. 10.

Sadly he is having a baby with a 40 year old woman. Disappointing.

Another boy i have been oggling (jointly with Sophie) is one Mr Jenson Button. Another clear 10.

But from looking at Beatles photos I have decided that the only guy for me would be the young Paul Mcartney. Although slightly geeky and obviously now seeing him as a 70 year old it should be off putting but that cute little face is probably to die for. So I can safely say I would have definatly been one of the screaming girls.

I managed to do 4 hours of revision today for my AS English retake and it went ok, realised I kew quite alot last year therefore have retained the information now :) which is rather handy. And history mock on tuesday went alright ish just gotta get through the source one on friday. 

Searching for my leavers dress continues. I've found a sparkley number in French Connection and others in Miss Selfridge but not the PERFECT one.

Love <3 x

small joys

<3 90210

Sigh No More

And so begin probably the hardest few months of my life.
heart break and exams
but I have totally kitted out my room to be the ultimate working space so I will knuckle down and work, nothing is gonna hold me back.
I love my friends. I owe you so much.

i'm sorry my blogs have been light of late but I really cant think of what to say, well i probably can but there is too much.

On the bright side Bourenmouth Uni were kind enough to send me an email wishing me the best of luckin my exams. love them. If i dont get in i probably will have to become a bum or something. lol

x

Empty

Because I am so confused
Because I still don't know
Because I still have doubt where I should have certainty
Because nothing is adding up
Because there isnt a balance of Pros or Cons
Because of the hurt
Because of the pain
Because of all the time, hours, days, months, years
Because I can never be selfish
Because I care

I can't say anything.

CheeseSticks.

Cocktail Evening was marvellous and I can say that i got suitably wasted with the girls but was one of the last ones standing. In the end I went as a T for Tourist and put together quite an effective outfit with bumbag, camera and even though you cant seen in the picture I even managed to pull off socks and sandals. 

Everybody else put the effort in too so no one was left feeling stupid so that was good, especially as how ridiculous I looked could have potentially backfired if I had been the only one.

I neeed to finish my history and drama work but I am being distracted, bloody internet. I have decisions to make also. Hmm.

Love you girls thanks for last night Steph!! xxx

*once I have the awesome group photo I shall add to this xx